I was at my parents house for Christmas the other day and found my old memory box. I am the type of person to keep everything. Old photos, movie stubs, love notes, vacation memorabilia and all that other stuff some people would consider to be junk. Mild hoarder here :D
I came across a black and pink notebook. I thumbed through it from the back to the front. Blank pages until I reached the front. A good 5-6 pages of my own hand writing. It was a written journal entry I composed when I had first heard the news my breakup. I only skimmed through it and I could not believe my eyes. I was such a sad, sad girl. So to end off this year with my last blog post, I've decided to share this lost treasure and show you my vulnerable side. We all have one. This was my absolute lowest point in my life. I have to warn you, the journal entry is quite long. I read it aloud to my current boyfriend Sam last night and we both shed a little tear.
So be prepared to set aside some time to read through.
Oct 13, 2009
I gave up. It's over. No more. I screwed everything up. It's all my fault & I didn't even see it coming. I feel like I want to die. Someone please help me. Guide me through this. I need to try to get back to normal. I need to eat better & sleep better. I need to take care of myself. Just think about me, myself and I. My gut is telling me that we are done...that we are officially over. I do not even think we can be friends anymore because it will be too hard. It will just stir up old memories..the good times. I know him. He is just going to run away...far far away..just far away from me. I hate him but I still love him. He is too good for me. I am not a good person. I hate myself. I have to suffer & in his words "live with the consequences." He is coming to town on Wednesday but I am sure he will not want to see me. He just wants to push me far away. My heart and chest constantly hurt. My stomach has "bad" butterflies. I always feel as though I am going to vomit. I need to workout, but I can't because I have no energy in my entire body. My body is shutting down.
I thought I was a good girlfriend. Yes I did make mistakes but people are supposed to forgive and forget. I don't know. My life. I almost feel like it's over. He isn't going to see me so I need to keep myself super busy. I can't think about him all the time. It's exhausting. It makes me so stressed and upset.
I am getting my haircut today. I need a change. I need to start thinking about just me. No more Facebook. No more msn. Password protect everything. I need to get away. I need to go on a trip and forget about all this. I need to lose weight and be healthy. I need to meet more people and get involved. I need to keep busy. It's the worst at night when I am all aline in the dark. I am just in my bedroom...just with me and my thoughts. Many things run through my mind. My thoughts just go around in circles. Things are meant to be if you want to try & if you are willing to try and work through your problems. I thought my last ex was BAD but this guy is worse. He gave me false hope, false promises...it could have even been false love too. Maybe he really wasn't in love with me. Maybe he was just intrigued by the challenge at first . Jumped on my vulnerability. Maybe he was just in "lust" with me and not LOVE. I am once again a fool. I always end up this way. Getting dumped twice within a one year time frame isn't the best thing in the world.
I am swearing off men or "BOYS" for a long, long time. It's going to be hard to trust and give myself fully...give my heart again. I even just may end up all alone for the rest of my life. This last relationship really scared me. I am completely damaged goods. He ruined it for me. How am I ever going to be truly happy? I do not even want to go back to the club scene again or at least for a long time. ALL GUYS ARE JERKS!!! I thought this one was different but they all end up the same. Those hurtful bastards. I will never find someone. Now what am I going to do with all the stuff he had given me? I really do not know...hide it away for now. Maybe wishful thinking will work but I doubt it. I just need to move on. He has. He only loves me as a friend now. Love of his life no more. If he knew what I was going through, he would be hurt but that's it. When he talks to his friends this week, it will confirm that he does not want to be with me anymore. There is no one on my side. EVERYONE is against me. No one understands. I really do feel all alone. I hate being alone Not that I need to be in a relationship to be happy but it helps when you have love in your life. Where is my great love story? Doesn't everyone get one? Like please..someone please give this girl a break. Someone please throw me a bone. Someone please take all this pain away. I know it takes time. I don't have time right now. I need to get over him IMMEDIATELY. Someone take away the pain part so I can start living my life.
I need need NEED to keep busy. Keep my mind off the madness in my life. I am honestly going crazy. How long does it take? Someone please help me. For now, I am not going to talk to any of his friends. I am going to stay away from social settings. I am hiding myself away from the world. Maybe it's better this way. It's better this way so that I do not hurt anyone anymore like the way I hurt him. I am sure he will find better, prettier, someone more understanding, unselfish, someone better than me in every aspect. I am flawed. He isn't. There isn't anything wrong with him. It's all me. My life sucks right now. I should delete all saved messages, get off the internet completely. I need to disappear and run away, hide away. But with the help of family and friends, I will get through this. One of the most hurtful endings to what I thought was a beautiful union
I am done for now. I can't talk anymore. I can't think anymore It's over & so am I.
The person who wrote this 2 years ago is LONG gone. I call this blog post the prequel because I am quite positive that right after this hand written entry, I started blogging on Blogger.
I will (hopefully) NEVER again let a guy tamper with how I feel about myself. No more doubts. Because I know & you all should know that you are one incredible person. Do not let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Because you are STRONG. You are Beautiful. You are You.
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